Commercial Breaks
by Red Witch
Summary: Pam and Cheryl decide to make a commercial to jump start their acting career. Ray and Krieger get dragged into their crazy scheme.
**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off to find an agent. What happens when Pam and Cheryl go Hollywood? Well…**

 **Commercial Breaks**

"Explain to me again **why** we're doing this?" Krieger asked as he stood next to a large film camera in his lab.

He looked at Ray who was sitting in a director's chair beside him looking bored. Ray was wearing a smart pair of brown pants and a brown vest with a sharp yellow top with an off yellow cravat. Everything from his brown boots, brown gloves to the brown beret on his head made him look like an old time Hollywood movie director.

"Because," Ray sighed. "Lucy and Ethel on Meth want to make a commercial. For some reason they've decided to become actresses this week. They think a commercial will add some credit to their non-existent resume."

"That I get," Krieger corrected. "What I don't get is who hired them for a commercial in the first place? And why are we making it?"

"Cheryl hired **herself,** " Ray explained. "She's a damn billionaire with a bigger monopoly than Mr. Moneybags! And apparently she owns an advertising agency. So she's doing her own commercial."

"Oh. That explains the costumes and the set," Krieger blinked as he looked at the set for a moment.

"Yeah. Their idea. Their script," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Then I'm going to move on to my next question," Krieger frowned. "Why are we doing this in secret in my lab?"

"Because they don't want either Archer or his bitch of a mother to horn in on their commercial," Ray sighed. "They don't want Lana to lecture them about the problems with their commercial. And they just don't want Cyril to have **anything** to do with their commercial. Or with their lives in general."

"And why are **you** doing this?" Krieger asked.

"They said I could direct," Ray shrugged.

"That make sense," Krieger conceded.

"Well at least something does," Ray sighed as he picked up a bullhorn. "All right. You gals ready?"

"What's my motivation again?" Cheryl called out.

"You want to know your motivation?" Ray asked. "Even though you **wrote** the script?"

"Yeah. I forgot," Cheryl asked.

"Fine," Ray let out a patient breath. "Your motivation is that you're wondering if there's more to life. Something's missing. You have a sense of ennui and a hole inside you that needs to be filled."

"Phrasing," Krieger said cheerfully.

Ray ignored Krieger. "You want more out of life and you need someone to come along and help you fulfill it. And that someone is Pam. You got it?"

"Oh yeah that makes total sense!" Cheryl said cheerfully. She was wearing a gold bikini with a ruffled gold skirt standing in a giant bowl of cereal filled with some kind of tan liquid. Pam was standing in the bowl next to Cheryl in a round apple costume. There was a giant spoon next to the bowl.

"And what exactly are you supposed to be Cheryl?" Krieger blinked.

"I'm a flake," Cheryl said cheerfully.

"You certainly are," Ray quipped. "Which is perfect casting if I do say so myself."

"And I'm guessing the reason Pam's dressed like the mom of one of the Fruit of the Loom characters is that the cereal has apple slices in it?" Krieger asked.

"Bingo Clone-O!" Pam told him. "But the taste is also in the flakes."

"Yeah it blends nicely with the ale flavor you get when you pour milk into the bowl," Cheryl nodded.

"The **what now**?" Krieger blinked.

"You know how with some cereals gives the milk a chocolate flavor when poured onto it?" Ray asked. "This new brand of cereal gives the milk an alcoholic flavor."

"So it's marketed towards adults?" Krieger asked.

"Them too," Cheryl shrugged. "It's our new cereal line! Tunt Flakes!"

"She also owns a cereal company," Ray explained.

"I gathered that yeah," Krieger nodded.

"You might want to think about changing the name," Pam advised Cheryl.

"So let's get on with this before the milk curdles," Ray wrinkled his nose. "Although I suspect it may be too late."

"Sorry, that's me," Pam apologized. "I had a few burritos for lunch."

"Of course you did," Ray groaned. "All right. Pam get in position. We're going to start now. Krieger get ready."

"Oh what you want me to do something?" Krieger blinked.

"Yes," Ray said patiently. "I want you to film this."

"Oh I was wondering why I was here," Krieger blinked as Pam went under the milk.

"They're **your** cameras," Ray pointed out.

"Right! I own cameras for…art films," Krieger said nervously.

"I've seen some of those films," Ray remarked. "The only people who consider them art are psychopaths! Okay take one! Action!"

Cheryl simply stood there. "Action!" Ray shouted.

Cheryl still stood there. "ACTION!" Ray yelled in his bullhorn.

Cheryl of course still stood there. "CHERYL! ACTION!" Ray shouted.

"Oh are you talking to me?" Cheryl asked.

"CUT!" Ray shouted. "Cheryl! When I say action that's when you read your lines!"

"Oh right!" Cheryl hit her forehead with her palm. "Duh!"

"Yeah, **duh!"** Ray said sarcastically.

"I was wondering why you were saying that," Cheryl said.

"Because that's the correct term for when an actor…" Ray began.

"Or actress…" Cheryl interrupted.

"Or actress…" Ray groaned. "Starts their lines. And when I say cut that means to stop."

"Cut means to _stop?_ " Cheryl asked.

"Yes!" Ray snapped.

"I was wondering why you said that," Cheryl said. "When you said cut I was thinking: Cut what? I don't have a switch blade or some scissors! What does he want me to cut?"

"No, that's the technical lingo for you to stop," Ray said.

"And action means _start?_ " Cheryl asked.

"Yes!" Ray snapped.

"Ohhhh! I get it now," Cheryl nodded.

Just then Pam popped out of the milk gasping. "You're gonna **get it** if you forget to let me know when to come up for air bitch!"

"Well he said cut!" Cheryl said.

"I couldn't hear him under the milk!" Pam snapped.

"Okay fine…" Ray sighed. "Cheryl here's how it goes. When I say action, you say your lines. Then give Pam a tap on the head so she can come up and give her line. Is that simple enough for you to understand?"

"Oh yeah that's easy!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Wow you really are a good director Ray."

"Yeah he's a real Alfred Sucks-A Guy's…" Pam began.

"PAM!" Ray interrupted. "Please!"

"Cock," Pam finished.

"Let's take it from the top again!" Ray groaned. "Cheryl remember as soon as you say your line, tap Pam on the head. Got it?"

"I get it! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned.

"Good! Pam get in position," Ray groaned.

"Phrasing," Cheryl snickered.

"I don't think that counts," Pam thought aloud.

"Just get under the milk," Ray groaned. Pam did so. "Okay. Action!"

This time Cheryl did her lines. Actually she sang them off key. _"Hello! I'm Patty Peppy Flake! I feel like such a schlepp-y flake! I used to feel alone and really, really crap-ple! Until I found my friend Annie Apple!"_

Cheryl remembered to tap Pam on the head. When she came up she said cheerfully. "Hi Patty Peppy Flake!"

"Hey! Watch it! You deliberately splashed me you bitch!" Cheryl snapped.

"I did not!" Pam snapped.

"Did too!" Cheryl snapped.

"Did not!" Pam snapped back.

"CUT! SHUT UP!" Ray shouted through his bullhorn. "Let's do this again. From the top."

"Just watch it," Cheryl warned as Pam began to go under.

" **You** watch it," Pam glared back before she dunked under.

"Okay take three! Action!" Ray called out.

"Take three what?" Krieger asked.

"KRIEGER!" Ray shouted.

"Oh right I'm not supposed to talk," Krieger realized.

"Duh!" Cheryl snapped.

"CUT!" Ray groaned. "Cheryl if you please…"

"Okay!" Cheryl said cheerfully. Before whacking Pam on the head. "Bonk!"

"You're supposed to only tap me on the head!" Pam shouted as she bobbed up. "Not whack my brains out!"

"What brains?" Cheryl snickered.

"You wanna see brains?" Pam made a fist. "I'll show you brains! Right on the damn floor!"

"Bring it!" Cheryl snapped.

"STOP IT!" Ray shouted through his bullhorn.

"Ow! Ear balls!" Cheryl winced as she held her ears.

"Ladies we are trying to sell cereal," Ray said. "We want happy and peppy. Not angry and hateful! Again! From the top!"

"I don't know why I'm the one who has to go under the damn milk," Pam grumbled as she prepared to go under again.

"Because you're an apple! Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"You're gonna be a squash if you keep this up!" Pam snapped.

"Squash is a fruit?" Cheryl blinked. "I thought squash was a gourd?"

"This is going to end up like my dancing career," Ray groaned. "I just know it."

"You were a dancer?" Krieger asked.

"For a month and it ended in a disaster," Ray sighed. "Just like this is going to. Let's take it from the top again! And Cheryl, remember to tap Pam on the head when you finish. She can't hear you underneath the milk."

"Yeah Cheryl!" Pam snapped before she went under.

"Okay Take…Whatever…" Ray sighed. "Action!"

Cheryl started again. _"Hello! I'm Patty Peppy Flake! I feel like such a schlepp-y flake! I used to feel alone and really, really crap-ple! Until I…"_

Then she stopped. "Hold on…I think I lost a contact!"

"You don't **wear contacts!"** Ray snapped.

"Oh right. I forgot," Cheryl snickered.

Pam popped up. "If you keep forgetting your damn lines I'm gonna pop you one!"

"Pam…" Ray sighed.

"I thought you couldn't hear under there," Krieger asked.

"I can't but I can get subtext! And you…" Pam turned to Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl asked in a bored tone.

"I'm a god damn apple! Not a fish!" Pam snapped.

"More like Shamu!" Cheryl snickered.

"Cut!" Ray sighed.

"That's not a bad idea!" Pam glared at Cheryl.

"I'm guessing there's some real alcohol in that milk isn't there?" Ray sighed.

"Cheryl and Pam insisted on it," Krieger told him. "Said it added realism."

"Well it's added **something** all right," Ray groaned. "Okay let's take it from the top! **Again!** "

"Yeah **Pam!"** Cheryl said.

"I'm not the one who's dicking around!" Pam warned.

"Just take it from the top!" Ray ordered before Pam went under. "Okay Cheryl. Action!"

Cheryl just stood there. "Wait…That means I'm supposed to say my line right?"

"YES! Look the sooner we get through this the sooner we can go out and get a drink!" Ray barked.

"I think Pam already is drinking," Cheryl looked down.

"Oh for crying out…" Ray noticed the milk level was going down. "PAM! PAM! Cheryl!"

"Oh right!" Cheryl tapped Pam on the head.

"WHAT?" Pam snapped as she popped her head up.

"You're drinking all the milk stupid!" Cheryl shouted.

"Well I'm thirsty!" Pam shouted back.

"I knew it was a mistake to cast you in this," Cheryl fumed.

"I knew it was a mistake for you to write the script!" Pam shouted back.

"I am the one with the creative vision!" Cheryl shouted.

" **What** creative vision?" Pam shouted. "To rip off something off of a rerun that Billy Crystal first did over **thirty years ago**?"

"I thought this script sounded a little familiar," Ray blinked.

"This is Hollywood! Nothing's original anymore!" Cheryl snapped.

"She has a point," Krieger said to Ray.

"Yeah well so do I!" Cheryl grabbed the giant prop spoon.

"That's a spoon you idiot!" Pam shouted. "Spoons don't have points!"

"Oh right…" Cheryl noticed. "Something beginning with SP does…"

"That's a spork!" Ray groaned.

"No, that's not it…" Cheryl thought.

"Yes it is!" Ray snapped.

"That's not a real word," Cheryl snorted.

"Yes it is! A spork is combination of spoon and fork!" Pam snapped. "How do you not know that?"

"How do you?" Cheryl asked. "Because you know…? You kind of eat like a pig. Literally and figuratively."

"Let's go bitch! Me and you!" Pam shouted.

"DIE!" Cheryl started to attack Pam with the giant spoon.

Pam grabbed the spoon and used it to shove Cheryl backwards into the milk. Then she wrestled it away from her and jumped on top of her.

"Flying Apple Bomb!" Pam whooped.

SPLASH!

"HEY!" Ray snapped as the milk went flying. "This is a no splash zone! My pants!"

"God I love television!" Krieger grinned as Cheryl and Pam tried to drown each other as they wrestled.

"I'm gonna drown your stupid apple face!" Cheryl gasped as they wrestled.

"Not if I drink all the milk first!" Pam snapped back at her.

"Well maybe I'll just pee in the milk?" Cheryl shouted.

"I think I already did," Pam realized.

"EWWWWW!" Cheryl winced.

"Oh like it's the first time you've ever…" Pam gave her a look.

Cheryl punched Pam in the face. Pam glared at her. "Big mistake…" Pam shouted as she went on the attack.

"For crying out… **CUT!"** Ray shouted as the women continued to wrestle in the decreasing liquid. Mostly because it was splashing all over the place.

"Oh was I supposed to be **filming this**?" Krieger asked.

"Never mind…" Ray groaned as he threw away the bullhorn.


End file.
